I realized today that I don’t like to win.
I might’ve pushed back on that in the past, but now I can’t deny it.
Today I was playing a game with friends, and it got down to the final hand. I knew I didn’t like the pressure, and I questioned my ability to perform, but continued.
As the game went on, it became apparent that I didn’t think I was going to win. So I acted as though I wasn’t going to win.
Then, a similar moment flashed through my mind — soccer in high school.
I used to play soccer, and when it became apparent that I wasn’t going to win, I’d convince myself to not try as hard. Sometimes I would give myself an excuse as to why I didn’t win.
I think that it was always easier to pretend like it didn’t matter rather than to accept the failure.
I don’t want to continue that pattern. I want to recognize my disbelief and to question it. I want to understand why I think that I can’t or shouldn’t succeed in certain things. I want to understand why I give up before the last stretch out of fear.
One thing is for sure — I will not allow myself to do it consciously.